An example of the type of press releases typically received at roadracingworld.com, this one from public relations professional Wendy Hogg:

Press release

13 August 2001

They grow old but they never grow up!

If you owned an AMA factory Superbike race team and two motorcycle dealerships, what would you do on your day off? Go racing, of course!

HMC Ducati Team Owner, Mitch Hansen, dragged his old racer’s bones out of retirement and entered Elkhart’s first Supermotard race, held at the new Road America Briggs & Stratton Motorplex. It was all for fun, he told everyone, but beneath Mitch’s humble exterior lurks a mean competitive streak, and so most of his HMC team members dropped everything to be trackside because they couldn’t wait to see the old man beaten by younger, fitter riders.

Not one to let youth and enthusiasm get the better of his old age and cunning, Mitch ensured his pit crew resembled a Who’s Who of racing experts: World class engine builder, Charly Putz; former spanner to Carl Fogarty, Slick Bass; and long-serving AMA tuner, Mark Sutton. He, um, borrowed a highly modified 610 Husqvarna from HMC rider Andy Meklau. And Mitch was flanked by not one, but two umbrella girls, in a clear message to his rivals that they weren’t as manly as him.

This was the first time in eight years the 49-year-old had been on the race track. And what a comeback. Hansen won his first heat race with four seconds to spare, finished third in the final despite suffering arm pump, and was definitely the fastest during all the practice sessions.

“If it hadn’t been for the quality of the race tape on my butt, I couldn’t have done it,” Mitch may or may not have said, referring to his novel solution to the chafing he suffered during practice. “Man, that hurt before I taped my cheeks together.”

He started from the back row in his heat race and quickly carved up the field to take the lead with two laps to go. It was at that precise moment when suddenly, his own business partner, Harrison, loomed ahead as the leaders came to lap him. Mitch, trying desperately to make his passing move stick, clipped Harrison’s front tyre as he passed, sending the hapless man down the road, but Mitch swears it was accidental and not a plan to create bedlam in his wake. He created so much bedlam that the race was red-flagged.

“When I spotted the red flag I thought, holy cow, I killed my business partner,” said Mitch.

The restart was a done deal. Mitch took the lead and crossed the line with a four-second advantage. His cheer squad was now shocked by his speed but getting very vocal. One spectator turned to the sea of HMC-shirted fans and said, “Gee, he must have paid a lot to have all you guys cheering for him.” If only he’d known how much!

The squad roared again when Mitch took the lead in the final, where he stayed for a third of the race. The arm pump that plagued him in morning practice caused his times to slow and two of the front-runners passed him. Everyone thought third place was a pretty good result, considering Mitch’s arms and his age, but Mitch just grumbled like an old man: “That makes me the second loser,” he whined. “I should have won that race, I just couldn’t hang on anymore.”

Sulkily, he retreated to the pits where his wife handed him a Coors Light and listened patiently as he bitched about his opposition. The 29-year-old victor came over to congratulate him on such a good ride, and was told with a laugh, “I’ll beat you next time, you little snot”.

Mitch’s team couldn’t be prouder of their fearless leader, and to show it they pretended to be interested in Mitch’s post-race speech. “I’ve got to get fit,” he said as he took the smoke out of his mouth to sip his beer. “I’m going to get to the practice track seven times before the next race.”

“He’ll get there once,” mumbled someone under their breath as the crew dutifully accepted the bratwurst sausages Mitch barbecued for them.

For further information, contact HMC Ducati Racing on (262) 573-4256 and wait for the laughter to subside. This press release was laughingly endorsed by Mitch Hansen when it was pointed out that he is the only one who thinks his racing should be taken as seriously as Andy Meklau’s or Steve Rapp’s. Besides, we told him we’d release photos of the race tape on his ass.